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‌CHAPTER 29

29 June 1978 pm in Chuang Tzu Auditorium

Deva means divine, nirvana means liberation. Man cannot liberate himself – that is impossible, because man himself is the cause of bondage. The very idea ‘I am’ is the root cause of bondage, so there is no way to go beyond the ‘I’, through the ‘I’; it won’t allow. It will go on surrounding you in new ways, in new forms. That is why it is so impossible to get rid of the ego. It comes in again and again from the backdoor. Even if you become very humble, it comes. It starts declaring ‘I am the most humble man in the world.’ It is back in charge again, again the master. It is impossible to get rid of it because who will get rid of it? It is all that you are.

Liberation comes from the whole. We are recipients: we cannot actively bring it, we can only allow it. In a state of let-go, it happens. God liberates. Man is a bondage: god is liberation. All that is needed on the part of man is not to become closed, to remain open so that if god wants to come in there is no hindrance from our side. That’s all we can do: not create hindrances from our side. Then he comes like a flood and all that we have been trying and trying to get rid of, is suddenly gone. In that flood all is washed away. And then for the first time we know who we are. It is no more the ego. It has no more the centre of ‘I’. It is pure amness; there is no ‘I’ in it.

It is existence without any claim. It is silent, unassuming existence... neither inferior nor superior, because there is no way to compare, there is nobody to be compared with, there is nobody to compare.

That state is called nirvana – when the self disappears and the cosmic self arrives, when the small ‘I’ disappears and god descends as if an ocean has fallen into the drop... naturally the drop disappears. On one hand the drop is no more, on the other hand it has become the ocean.

This is my message for you: become more and more passive, allowing. God is not a kind of doing but a kind of happening. We cannot say ‘I have done it.’ We cannot possess god or liberation or

enlightenment in our hands – they are names for the same phenomenon. We can only say that the grace has descended, that we have been fortunate, that it is not through any worth on our part that we have been chosen. It is the compassion of the whole, it is the love of the whole for the part.

Sat means truth, gyana means knowledge – true knowledge. But true knowledge is not knowledge at all; true knowledge is wisdom. Untrue knowledge is knowledge... not untrue in the sense that it is not true but in the sense that it is borrowed. One who has said it may have known it.Jesus says

something; he knows, it is true knowledge for him. But then Christians repeat it, it is no more true; it has become untrue.

The truth is not in the statement: the truth is in the experience of the person who is making the statement. The validity is not logical but existential. When Jesus says something it is absolute and true on his lips, because behind those words there is a pulsating experience alive, breathing, warm, fresh. The moment those words leave his lips that warmth is left behind. That warmth cannot go with the words and that pulsation cannot move with the words. The moment the words leave the lips they are dead shells, used cartridges; they don’t contain any fire. They are impotent, just empty shells. Then you can go on collecting those empty shells; you will not become rich by it. That is untrue knowledge, borrowed, a belief.

True knowledge is that which you have known, that which has been given birth to by you. It is painful: It is just as a woman gives birth to a child – that is one thing – or she adopts a child of somebody else; that is quite another. The adopted child is adopted; it is only a make-believe, that this is her child. But to have the child in the womb for nine months and then to give birth to the child is a totally different experience.

Exactly like that, the so-called knowledge is adopted knowledge; the true knowledge is that which you give birth to. One has to risk for the true knowledge; one has to stake all that one has for it. But only the true liberates because only truth liberates. The untrue becomes a bondage. One becomes a scholar, not a sage; and to be lost in the jungle of scholarship is to be really lost. And the journey is long and futile.

To have only a small glimpse of true knowledge is enough. It opens the door, it hands you the key of the mysteries of life and existence.

[A sannyasin says: I often cannot sleep and this means that sometimes I sleep only three hours and there are periods when I sleep twelve hours or so. There is no balance. She adds that she doesn’t want to take tranquilisers.]

You do a few things. One is: make a regular time to go to sleep – if you go at eleven every evening, then eleven. First thing: stick to a regular time, then soon the body can get into a rhythm. Don’t change the time, otherwise you confuse the body. And your body is confused – for so many days it has been going on, sometimes sleeping, sometimes not sleeping. The body has lost track of a rhythm; the rhythm has to be created again. There is a biological rhythm and the body has lost track of it. So if you decide to go to bed at eleven, then fix it; then whatsoever happens, you have to go to bed at eleven. You can decide twelve o’clock – whatsoever time you fix – but then it has to be regular. One thing.…

And before going to bed, for half an hour dance vigorously so that the whole body can throw out all its tensions. You must be going to bed with all the tensions; those tensions keep you awake. So if you are going to go to sleep at eleven, at ten start dancing. Dance up to ten-thirty. Then take a hot shower or a hot bath. Relax in the bath for fifteen minutes. Let the whole body relax. First the dance so all the tensions are thrown out; then a hot shower. A hot bath will be far better than a shower, so you can lie down in the bath for half an hour, fifteen minutes, twenty minutes, and relax there. Then eat something – anything hot will be good, not cold. Just hot milk will do, and then go to sleep. And don’t read before going to sleep – never.

This should be the programme, a one-hour programme: dance, bathe, have something to eat – hot milk is the best – and then go to sleep; turn off the light and go to sleep. Whether the sleep comes or not, don’t be worried. If it is not coming, just silently lie down and watch your breath. You are not to breathe too much, otherwise that will keep you awake. Leave the breath as it is, silent, but you go on simply watching it: it is coming in, going out, coming in, going out.… It is such a monotonous process that soon you will be fast asleep. Anything monotonous is helpful. And breathing is absolutely monotonous – no change: it goes out, comes in, goes out, comes in. You can even use the words ‘coming in’, ‘going out’, ‘coming in’, ‘going out.’ Inside, just repeat the words: ‘coming in’, ‘going out’, ‘coming in’, ‘going out.’ That becomes a transcendental meditation, and transcendental meditation is good for sleep, not for awakening! (laughter)

If it doesn’t come, don’t get up again. Don’t go to the fridge and start eating things or reading or doing anything. Whatsoever happens just remain in the bed, relaxed. Even if no sleep comes, relaxing is almost as valuable as sleep; just a little less valuable, that’s all. If sleep gives you one hundred percent rest, relaxing in the bed will give you ninety percent. But don’t get out, otherwise you disturb the rhythm. And within a few days you will see that sleep is coming. In the morning also make it a point that at exactly the same hour you have to get up.

I am trying to fix it so your body starts getting into a pattern; it has gone a little berserk. So in the morning at six or seven – whenever you want to get up – fix it; then keep the alarm by you. Even if you have not slept the whole night, it doesn’t matter; when the alarm goes, you have to get up. And don’t go to sleep again in the day because that is how you have been disturbing the rhythm. That’s why for one day you sleep one hour and another you sleep for twelve hours. How is your body going to get in rhythm? Don’t go to sleep in the day, forget about it; wait for the night. At eleven you will go to bed again. Let the body starve for sleep. So from eleven to six... seven hours is enough.

Even if in the daytime you feel like sleeping, go for a walk, read, sing, listen to music but don’t go to sleep. Resist that temptation. The whole point is to bring the body back to a rhythmic circle.

[The sannyasin answers: You don’t think that some fear or anxiety has to come up?]

Everybody is afraid and everybody has anxiety. If that is disturbing then everybody will be disturbed; that is not the problem. Not that you don’t have fear, not that you don’t have anxiety, but that is not the cause of it. Mm, otherwise who would be able to sleep? Only buddhas would sleep...(laughter) and they are not supposed to sleep at all!

Mm, that is not the cause of it. The cause is that you have disturbed the rhythm of the body. You must have lived in a hectic way – some days going to sleep in the middle of the night, sometimes

early, sometimes later. Slowly slowly the body has forgotten what to do, when to do it. And in the West many people are doing that: they don’t have regular hours for food, regular hours for sleep; everything is topsy-turvy. It will come back.

[A sannyasin says: Sitting here during darshan, my heart just feels like a steam engine. I felt very frightened. And I feel you’ve started to frighten me a lot.]

Nothing is the problem. It is just that you are jealous of [your daughter], that’s all. But that happens to many fathers: they want the same attention from the wife as the child is getting. They cannot say so because it looks so ridiculous. They start feeling jealous. The child starts looking like an enemy, a competitor, and if you start feeling competitive, you will be defeated because he is going to win. And he needs to – his needs are far more important.

Your need is a hang-up from your childhood. Maybe your mother did not give you as much as you needed or maybe you asked too much, but somehow, in your childhood you have missed something and you are still hankering for it. Still, in the woman you love, your requirement is for a mother. And no woman can fulfill it, unless you find a woman whose search is for a child and not a husband. Sometimes that happens too; then there is a perfect couple.

Perfect couples are always neurotic, remember, because only two neurotics can fit together. If one is a masochist and the other is a sadist, that will be the perfect couple. If one woman wants a child, not a husband, and one man wants a mother, not a wife, and they meet by chance, they will fit like anything. The expression ‘made for each other’ is true for them only, otherwise not; but both are ill. They will fit perfectly but there will be no joy. Their life will be convenient, comfortable, but there will be no ecstasy. Ecstasy happens only when both are mature, grown-up, healthy.

So somewhere deep down you are still hankering for the mother. If you make it a conscious thing, it will be easier. Tell [your wife] ‘This is my need. I am feeling jealous of [our daughter].’ And don’t just joke about it – it is not a joke; it is serious. Tell her to be a little motherly towards you, but then you have also to be like a child. But there are double-binds: one wants the woman to be a mother and yet one wants to be the husband; then there is a contradiction. Your ego wants to be the husband, the master of the house, and your real state is that of a child who wants a mother, who is helpless – who wants to cling to somebody’s apron. Now both these are so contradictory that you will be torn apart. One part will say ‘Become a child’; another part will say ‘What are you saying? You are a grown-up man. You should not yield to such childish temptations in your mind – drop all this nonsense.’ You will have to understand this contradiction in yourself.

That’s why you become frightened of me – because I will tell you the truth and nothing but the truth. And this is the situation. Talk to [your wife] and tell her ‘I need a mother – be motherly to me. Forget all about my being your husband and boyfriend and all that nonsense. Treat me just as your child.’

This will not continue long, but you have to be utterly a child then. Don’t be ashamed of it. If you want to be fed on her breast, be fed on her breast; don’t be bothered. It will look very absurd and your male ego and the mind will say ‘What are you doing...? – have you gone crazy?’ But that’s a basic need in you. And this will be satisfied soon; it cannot persist. Soon you will see that it has disappeared, withered away, but it will disappear only when it has been fulfilled.

So for two, three months my feeling is that you should just be a child. Declare yourself to be a child. Go into childish tantrums and [your wife] will have to look after you. Talk to her – if she feels it is difficult, send her to me; I will prepare her. For two, three months, do all that you always wanted to do and which you have not done with your own mother. Within two, three months that will all go down the drain, and you will come out more mature.

And there is not much of a problem – that is the only hitch. So talk tonight, mm? and surrender completely.

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