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Chapter 22 - What more do you want?
And the answer that Jesus gave is ugly. He said, "Tell that woman" -- he could not even say "tell my mother" -- "Tell that woman that my father is in heaven and except my father in heaven, I don't have any relation with anybody else."
This is the man who is talking about love. This is the man who is even saying "Love your enemy." But don't love your mother.
Dhyan Amiyo, you should start your childhood's accidental meditation, because it will suit you immediately. And it has happened here also: "One day I was meditating alone and the fear of death returned. I was overwhelmed by the intensity of it and could do nothing to transform or even repress it. I jumped up in panic and tried to shake it off."
You missed a great opportunity. Again, the same space was opening up but you behaved like a grown-up, not like a child. A child is not afraid. He knows nothing about death: he is so close to life that death is a faraway thing, inconceivable to him.
You also remember that "The last time this happened to me as a teenager, I woke feeling the fear of death the strongest I ever had. But this time, instead of panicking without any conscious decision, I found myself accepting death and relaxing. Immediately there was an explosion of light and a sense of being uplifted by bliss."
You know the secret: you have to accept the fear. In acceptance, it disappears. In rejecting it, in escaping from it, you are nourishing it. You are feeding it.
There is no fear, because there is no death. Death is a fiction and fear is the shadow of the shadow. And you have experienced it accidentally, without doing meditation you have known, that if you remained in the space that was opening up, without fear and without panicking but accepting it, accepting even death and relaxing -- immediately there was "an explosion of light and a sense of being uplifted by bliss."
You need not be told; you know already what has to be done. So when meditating, if you come close to the same space again and fear arises, rejoice
that you are close to the death of the ego. The death of the ego is another name of relaxation, because the ego is your tension.
The ego is your anxiety, the ego is your anguish. The ego is your angst.
The moment you are relaxed, you are not. There is simply relaxation -- an immense peace and joy. And if it happens in meditation, consciously, and if you have to go through it again and again -- because such an experience has to be lived again and again; that's the only way to deepen it -- soon you will find there is no fear, there is nothing to panic about. On the contrary, you are entering into the most blissful experience ever. You are entering into your childhood again, in deep innocence, a freshness and a joy, and a music that is absolutely silent, without any sound.
If this experience goes on growing, it will become your enlightenment one day. You will be uplifted to your highest potential. All darkness will disappear; there will be only light and there will be only ecstasy. Then there is no need to meditate. Then it becomes your natural state, just like breathing, just like heartbeats.
Amiyo, you are fortunate because it rarely happens on its own. But we are so unconscious
-- do you see your unconsciousness? You passed through everything -- you knew fear, you accepted fear, you experienced great relaxation, you experienced bliss, you experienced being uplifted by light -- and still you are afraid to go into the same space.
Osho - The Hidden Splendor 224
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