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CHAPTER 8
You are entering a chaos
9 June 1977 pm in Chuang Tzu Auditorium
Savya means all, sachi means true... and that’s your path too: become as authentic as possible. Let authenticity be your god; don’t allow any falsity to abide in you. The moment you feel something is false drop it immediately, instantly, whatsoever the cost. The moment you feel that you are wearing a mask, throw it away. It is not easy, I am not saying that. It is difficult, it is arduous, but the pay-off is tremendous.
Once you start feeling your authentic face, life takes on a new dimension. Then you are no more in the old rut; you have taken off. You no more walk on the same ground; the whole sky is available to you. All becomes possible through authenticity, through being truthful, through being true.
Man is lost to god and god is lost to man because of inauthenticity. A great china wall surrounds you and all, of false masks, of pretenses, of hypocrisies; that’s how we have been brought up. It is an unfortunate fact but it is how humanity has lived up to now. It has lived in falsity, it has dealt only in counter-coins, pseudo coins, counterfeits, for so long that if sometimes the real coin comes in your vision you can’t recognise it.
When a Jesus is there, people deny him; when a Socrates is there people want to kill him. They have lived so long with masks that any man with an original face is a danger to them. And by becoming a sannyasin you are entering a great, dangerous path.
From this moment onwards you will be participating in me; that’s what sannyas is all about. It is participating with a man who is no more on the earth. It is participating with someone who is no more visible, who is no more tangible, who is, but is, indefinable. You are entering a chaos, a creative chaos: you will be born out of it.
And I am giving you one of the most beautiful names ‘savyasachi’. Let it resound in your being, and whenever somebody calls you ‘savyasachi’, remember! Don’t become accustomed to the name, don’t allow it to become a mechanical habit. Let it be a continuous remembrance again and again and again. Let it hit you hard, and become true to the name.
[The new sannyasin says he can be here for three weeks only, but perhaps next time he can stay longer]
Good – you will be staying longer! And even these three weeks will become an intense experience... it is going to become a great joy. You have really come.
Many people come; very few people really come. And sometimes even those who really come, they miss, because once they have come they think the work is finished. In fact, the work startsnow it
starts!
Coming to me is a long journey. Many times you will feel that you have come and again I will make you aware that it is yet to happen; it is always ‘yet’. One is arriving and arriving and one never arrives. But that’s the beauty of it – it is an eternal growth – and once you have understood that the goal-oriented mind disappears. Then the journey itself is bliss. Not that you are going somewhere, not that somewhere else is heaven: there is nowhere else, there is no there-then. It is all here and it is all now.
But still one grows – not in the future; one grows in the present, one goes deeper and deeper into the present. The growth is of a depth, not of extension.and there is no end to it because inside
we are an infinite abyss. We go on falling and falling and falling and the bottom never arrives. The bottom exists not.
The day we understand that – that there is no goal – there is great freedom. One is liberated: in being liberated from the goal, one is liberated. That’s what I mean by salvation. Now you don’t work for any goal. You work to be celebrating here.
These three weeks are going to be of great joy and great intensity; just cooperate with me. Relax completely for these days you are here and try to be true to your name. Mm? – just move moment to moment and for the first time, try to have a taste of truth. And be truthful, whatsoever it is.
If you are not feeling like smiling, don’t smile; if you feel like crying, cry. When you are really feeling like crying, then that is the thing to do; when you feel like smiling, then that is the thing to do. When hungry, eat; when feeling tired, sleep. Just go naturally. If you don’t want to make love to your woman, don’t apologise. When you want to make love, only then.
By slowly arranging your life truthfully you will suddenly see that things start falling into a new gestalt, into a new pattern, and life becomes poetry. It is poetry! All that is needed is available; it is just not in the right place: things are scattered and life has become a junkyard.
By being truthful you create a centre, a magnetic centre, and on that centre, things start settling.
There are only three magnetic centres available to man. In India we have called them ‘satyam’, ‘shivam’, ‘sundaram’. ‘Satyam’ means truth; that’s what I am telling you. ‘Shivam’ means good,
virtuous. ‘Sundaram’ means beauty. Truth, goodness, and beauty – these are the only three centres through which a man can transform his life... and truth will suit you perfectly.
There are people whom truth will not suit, aesthetic people: beauty will suit them more. Their truth is beauty; your beauty is truth. And there are other people also whom truth will not suit, to whom beauty will not appeal – only goodness. They are the people who have created god in the world; their vision has come to the ultimate peak in god. God is the good, the ‘summum bonum’; there is no higher good than that.
And these are the three possibilities for every human being to create a centre. Let truth be your centre!
Prem means love and pashya means one who has got eyes – one who has got eyes for love, one who is capable of seeing love, one who is capable of discovering love. And that is one of the greatest blessings – to be able to see love. Because whatsoever you can see, you can become. If you cannot see it, you cannot become it: becoming starts by seeing. If you can see love, then you will start becoming it, you will become love. If you can see beauty, you will start becoming beautiful. Whatsoever you see, ultimately, you turn into. And you have a possibility for great love... so recognise that possibility consciously.
Sometimes it happens that we go on stumbling in an unconscious way; then much energy is wasted. We are not going in one direction: we go one step towards north, another step towards south, not knowing what we are doing. Once you have a clear-cut vision and a sense of direction, things grow fast.
Love is your direction. Be more and more loving, and be unconditionally loving; don’t be a miser in love. The misers are losers, because the more you love, the more you get... but don’t love to get because that is again a miserly mind. Simply love and forget about getting back anything; return or no return. That is not relevant at all.
In the old testament they say to do unto others what you would like them to do to you. That is not very loving; it is very economical, it is miserly. Mm? – do unto others what you would like them to do to you. It is a bargain, it is conditional, it is business-like... but jews have always been business-like: even about the highest things they will bring in business. On the surface the dictum looks very very profound... it is not!
Love for no return, love with no idea of any return. Not that nothing is returned, it returns a thousandfold, but that should not be in your mind. Simply give, enjoy giving. That’s the basic, the very essential, very core of love: enjoy giving!
People enjoy getting. Even if they give, they only give to get: their mind is focused on giving more and they feel very wise if they can give less and get more. They are cheats.
A lover is one who gives, who simply gives, who goes on giving, who keeps no account, who never remembers what he has done. Then love is returned a thousandfold. It is not a result, it is a natural consequence; it happens on its own. If you ask, you hinder it.
I was reading a storyA very rich woman went to a doctor: she had appendicitis and the appendix
was to be removed. The doctor knew that she was the richest woman of the country, and when the operation was done, the woman completely cured, she came to thank him. She brought a purse, a purse made of very rare pearls, and she presented it to the doctor; but the doctor said ‘What about my fees?’ The woman asked ‘What are your fees? How much are your fees?’
He said ‘Five hundred rupees’.
So the woman took back the purse, opened it and gave him five hundred rupees. The purse was carrying almost fifty thousand rupees!
And that’s how it happens in life: we ask for such a small thing while a millionfold was going to come, was going to happen. So never ask; just go on giving and then love becomes prayer.
Let love be your prayer.…
Deva praveeta – pregnant with god...
Every being is pregnant with god, and unless you give birth to god, there is no bliss possible. Unless you become god, there is no contentment. And god is not something outside you; it is your very inside, mm? That’s the meaning when I say you are pregnant.
Everybody is pregnant and has been pregnant since the very beginning. We are carrying the load of pregnancy, but we are afraid to give birth because the birth is painful.
By becoming a sannyasin you are accepting me as your midwife. Now you can relax, you can trust; now you can allow the child to be born. And that child is you.that child is your ultimate growth!
That child is your peak consciousness. And unless we give birth to ourselves, we remain unfulfilled.
There are two kinds of people: once-born and twice-born. Once-born remain miserable, the twice- born become blissful.
So be consciously ready for it. Much has to be done as a preparation, but the child is there, the seed is there. Just a little readiness is needed, a little courage, a little adventurousness and a little acceptance of the pain that is bound to be there. But that pain turns into such bliss. That’s why I am giving you that name.
[A sannyasin, returning to the West, says she will be working on a farm.]
There you can grow your meditation alsomore easily than anywhere else. With growing things,
one grows more easily. If you meditate with trees you will grow faster. And not only that: if you meditate by the side of trees, the trees grow faster. Your growth vibrates them, their growth vibrates you.
Where things are moving fast – a river, a farm, trees – where everything is moving and nothing is static, you are pulsated from every direction. A vortex of energy is created around you and you are taken by it, possessed by it.
To meditate in a concrete house is different. Nothing is growing there; everything is dead, concrete. Nothing vibrates, nothing cooperates. There is no sensitivity around you; there is no feedback.
When you meditate by the side of a tree, the tree is happy. Now these are scientific facts – no more just poetry. The tree feels happy: your meditative energy, your alpha waves, make the tree very very joyful. And in return, naturally, the tree starts showering its energy on you.
Be with growing things, be with children, be with trees, be with rivers. Be with growing things and you will grow.
And whenever you can find time, meditate, and whenever you cannot find time, be total in your acts. Then it is meditation – and meditation has to become a twenty-four hour thing, only then will it transform you. A one-hour meditation cannot be of much help. Yes, it is good in the beginning, it is good to start with, but it cannot be of much help, because in the other twenty-three hours you will be destroying it. How can you hope that one hour will be able to win over twenty-three hours of destruction?
It is as if you paint for one hour and destroy it in the other twenty-three. It will never be complete, it will never be completed. Meditation has to become almost natural like breathing. Rather than it being something that you do, it has to become something that you are.
So be very very loving to the plants, loving to the soil, to the earth, loving to the animals that will be there on the farm, loving to the people who will be working there. Just be loving and be totally in whatsoever you are doing, be lost in it, and then slowly, meditation becomes no more an activity. It becomes your natural rhythm; you are in it. Then it spreads all over your life.
Yes, even when you are asleep it will be there; it will be there surrounding you. It will be there in your dreams, it will be there in your dreamless states. It will be like breathing: whether awake or asleep, you go on breathing. And meditation is a higher form of breathing.
Your body lives through breathing, your soul lives through meditation. People who don’t meditate and people who don’t know what meditation is, don’t have any souls – cannot have. They have only bodies; the soul is just a possibility. It can happen but it has not happened.
[A sannyasin says: My heart is bounding in my chest and contracting as if there’s a big weight on it.Whenever I go deeply into meditation it intensifies.]
Right. No, it is very clear.… And what you are doing is wrong. In fact, you are avoiding it, you are denying it; you don’t want to go into it. You will have to go into it; there is no other way. One goes through it and then beyond it. You cannot avoid it, you cannot by-pass it. You cannot find a-short-cut so that you can avoid it; that is not possible.
Yes, it is fundamental, and the more fundamental a thing, the less is the possibility of avoiding it. If the thing is not very fundamental it can be avoided. When the thing is really fundamental, how can you avoid it? It is there at your deepest core. At the most you can forget it, but it will come again and again and it will come with a vengeance.
That’s why in meditations it is more intense – because you come closer to it. It is not that the meditations are not working; it is because they are working that you come closer to it. That’s why in leela you came closer to it and it became very intense. That’s what is needed: it has to be allowed its full say. It has to be allowed to possess you.
... You are not in it yet; you are just on the periphery. You go on watching it. Watching is not a way to go into it – no. Watching means you are keeping it separate: watching is a subtle way of keeping things separate. Watching can never lead you into it.
You have to drop watching. You have to become it, you have to get identified with it, then you will go into it. And once you are into it, you have lived it, you have suffered it, you have really become sad, and miserable, a totally different kind of watching will arise; you will be coming out of it.
And there are two different things one is where you are just outside the door, another is where you have passed through it. In both ways you will be out of it, but in the first you will be missing; in the second, you have crossed it.
It is the dark night of the soul; that is the word christian mystics have used for centuries. One has to go into this dark. One has to feel completely abandoned by god. One has to feel that there is no happiness, no joy, nothing, only this sadness. This sadness is all, and you are this sadness.
Don’t listen to what I was saying to somebody else just a few minutes before about not being identified with your misery. Don’t listen to that. That was for that particular person: that was for ananda para, not for you. You have to go into it, get identified with it.
Your watching is your undoing. You watch, you remain alert, you keep aloof – and this is not the right moment for that. One day I will tell you to watch, but not now. Right now go into it, let there be a great jump into it – become mad.
Nothing is wrong! If god is sending sadness this moment, then it must be needed: somehow, somewhere, there must exist a need for it. Nothing happens without your need. You may not understand the need but that is not the point; god understands more. Trust and go into it!
I think that if you can go into it totally – yes, it will be a hellish experience – you will come out of it so flowing, so alive, and then it is finished forever. This way it will cling, it will hang on and on and on – and one day or other it has to be reckoned with.
... A one-month experience of misery and sadness will pay you so much that you cannot imagine it. If it is possible there... I think it will not be possible there – you will not be able to go through it there – so come back.
[A sannyasin said that she had trouble relating, and understanding her emotions. She also felt bad about making too much noise in a group.]
No, you really need to make more noise; then it will be connected. You repress because you are afraid. And even [the group leader] made you afraid that you were making too much noise. When you feel that you are making too much noise, you don’t allow it to its total intensity. When the total
intensity is not there you will feel that it is separate: it goes up to here and you are there and there is a distance between the noise and you.
If it goes deeper, the distance will be lesser. If it goes completely to the centre the distance will be lost and you will not find the trouble that you are thinking – that your thinking and emotions are separate.
You really need to go into a primal scream. Do primal.And don’t be afraid, because if you are
afraid and you don’t allow it, it will not be connected with you. It is there it is going to come in a big way. It is not a small scream; it is really primal! It is going to shake both you and your therapist!
Nothing to be worried about, the problem is not there. It is just that you have never allowed it in your life. For your whole life you have been a disciplinarian: you have been trying to have a certain pattern of life, a certain character; you have an armour. Mm? – that’s why the group people felt put off.
You have to go totally into it, otherwise it will be as if you are pretending: it will seem that you are doing something; but it is not the real thing. The real thing is not allowed: you won’t allow it, others won’t allow it. The real thing is not allowed and the unreal nobody likesso that is the trouble.
And your scream is going to be a real scream; it will come from your very guts. You will be surprised at how volcanic the scream can be. But one scream and you will be totally connected, and then there will be no problem.
So book for individual primal, mm? and really go into it. Don’t consider what others say; it has to be gone through. It is your scream, it is your problem. If [the group leader] feels you are making too much noise, that is his problem – not yours. He can worry if he wants to but you need not!
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