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‌CHAPTER 16

19 June 1976 pm in Chuang Tzu Auditorium

Dharma Bodhi. It means awareness of the ultimate law. Dharma means the ultimate law that holds everything together and bodhi means awareness.

The concept of dharma is very very significant and needs to be understood. Something invisible is holding everything visible. It is not a person. It is just the very energy of the cosmos. Everything is interlinked. It is not a chaos – the world is not a chaos. It is a cosmos. That is the meaning of dharma.

You may have heard a very famous saying of Pythagoras – that man is the measure of all things. It appeals to man because it satisfies the ego, but certainly it is wrong; obviously it is false. Man cannot be the measure of all things because man is so finite and existence is so infinite. How can the finite be the measure of the infinite?

Man is so limited and being is so unlimited. How can the limited measure the unlimited? How can the measure become the definition of the unlimited?

It is false, but it has appealed to man’s mind very much because it fulfills the ego. Deep down, man is so tiny. A little more salt in the blood and the man is gone. A little less sugar and the man is gone. A temperature a little lower than ninety-eight degrees, or a little higher, and man is gone. He lives seventy years if everything goes well, and on both ends there is nothingness, vastness.

Existence has been there forever and forever and it is going to be there forever and forever. So how can this tiny bit be the measurement of all ? It is not so. It is obviously untrue.

Dharma is the measure of all things. The ultimate is the measure of all things. And by dharma we mean that which sustains everything in its own nature. Fire is hot and ice is cold. Who sustains

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fire so it remains hot? Who sustains ice so it remains cold? Why don’t they change their nature? If it is just accidental, then one day fire can be hot and another day cold. One day water is flowing downward and another day it will start flowing upwards if there is no law behind everything.

That law is called dharma in the East. And to be aware of it is going to be your practice, your sadhana. Dharma Bodhi means constant awareness of the ultimate law. So wherever you see things – the trees, the birds, the animals, man, earth, sky – always remember that there is order everywhere. Sometimes you may not be able to comprehend it, sometimes you may not be able to figure out what it is, but it must be there, otherwise existence becomes impossible.

So go on watching for that. It will help many things in you. It will give you a centring, because watching the law all around, you will become aware of your innermost law, the law of your being. And it is not separate. It is the same law just reflected in your mirror – mm? – just as the moon rises in the sky and is reflected in so many oceans and so many rivers, in ponds and lakes, in millions of reflections; that ultimate law is one... is reflected by every consciousness.

You also reflect that same law. So watch it both inside and out, and by and by become more and more aware of that which sustains. That’s what God really is.

[The new sannyasin said he was in a kind of informal therapeutic relationship with a woman in Germany and he felt a responsibility to her. She had written recently that she was missing him, so he felt some concern.]

It is good to help people but it is not good to make them dependent on you. Then rather than helping her, you are being distracted, and finally she will become so dependent on you that you will start feeling the burden of it. She will not be helped in this way, because real help helps the person to be on his or her own feet.

Real compassion helps people to be independent. [The sannyasin answers: This was my goal with her.]

But the goal has to be remembered from the very beginning because the first step is going to be the last. Everybody thinks that way – that that is the goal but somewhere from the very beginning things start going wrong. If you feel a certain responsibility towards her now, you are in a bondage – and she is in a bondage because she misses you. This is dangerous. This game can be very dangerous.

My suggestion is that you write to her, saying, ‘Whenever I come back I will be helping you but there is no need to become so dependent, and it is good that for a few days you will be alone and independent.’

Never become responsible in that way, because tomorrow you can die, and your ghost will haunt her.

The only responsibility that one has is towards oneself. No other responsibility is in fact a responsibility. You help because you enjoy it, but now that enjoyment is becoming a bondage. It

is going too far. Now you are also caught in it because you and your ego feel very much enhanced. It feels good that somebody is dependent on you. It feels tremendously good that somebody is missing you. There is a great need inside man to be needed. One has to transcend that need because it is an ego-need.

One can get into many traps. Sympathy creates many traps for you. I have come across so many cases when a person starts with sympathy and then one day forgets that in the beginning it was sympathy and finds it is love. But that which starts as sympathy cannot really become love. In fact you start enjoying that you are being needed, and she starts enjoying feeling that she is so valuable that you constantly look after her and take care of her. It becomes a mutual enhancement of the ego.

This ego affair can be thought of as a love affair and then both will be frustrated. It is good to help but never be a helper. It is good to do whatsoever you can do in the moment, but never promise anything. It is good to be helpful, but it is not good to feel enhanced by the need of the other, because then exploitation starts.

Just think if she writes that she is feeling perfectly good and she is not missing you in any way, how will you feel? Think about it. I’m not asking you... just think about it. If she writes that she is feeling perfectly well – even better than she ever felt when you were there – and that she is not missing you at all, that you can remain in India forever if you want and that you need not be bothered about her, you will feel hurt.

Remember this much – that if you make somebody dependent on you, you will become dependent on them also because dependence is always double-arrowed. I cannot make you dependent on me without becoming, in a subtle way, dependent on you. There is no way. It is not one way traffic.

So help by all means, remain available by all means, but never make it too much of a thing. When you go back, try to help her. She will be coming sooner or later. She has to learn how to be on her own. Whenever you are there, you will be helpful, but this should not become a subtle affair of egos.

When you go back, help her. Help others also, but constantly keep alert. Otherwise sometimes it happens that you had gone to help and you become so caught up in it that you need help.

It happened once that I was sitting on the bank of the river and another man was lying there too. A boy started drowning so I ran to save him, but before I could reach the bank, the other man had already jumped. So I stopped myself. There was no point – one man was enough. But the other man started drowning, so I had to jump in and save the two !

I asked him, ‘Why did you jump?’ He said, ‘I completely forgot that I don’t know how to swim. The child was drowning – I completely forgot!’ Just the urge to save – but just the urge to save is not enough.

So remember that, mm? And there is nothing to be worried about.…

[A sannyasin asks: I want to ask you – how is it possible to love people a little more and not sometimes to be so afraid of them?... that they won’t like me.]

It has nothing to do with you personally. Everybody is afraid of love. To feel fear is a natural ingredient of love – just as shadows follow light. One has to understand the whole mechanism of it; that understanding helps.

Whenever you love somebody you are moving out of yourself, moving towards him. Of course you can never be certain that the other will receive you, that the other will welcome you. You can never be certain that he will not reject you. Fear is natural. It is a danger. You are in the dark, groping.

The other is also groping in the dark and is also afraid because the situation is the same for him. He is also afraid of whether he will be liked, loved, desired, needed, or that he may recoil. That hurts. Even the idea that he will be rejected hurts tremendously.

Many people, because of that fear, and to avoid that fear, stop taking any initiative towards love, because they think it is better to be lonely. At least nobody can reject them, at least they are on their own and are not helpless. They are not at anybody’s will, they are their own masters – not very happy, sad, depressed, but it is okay. At least they are not rejected. They never take the risk and they become very defensive. Even if somebody else takes the initiative in moving towards them, they become so defensive that before he can reject them, they reject him.

So this is a simple mechanism of love and everybody who goes into love will have to encounter it. It has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with your personality. It has something to do with love itself. It is a dangerous thing, and the danger is real, the fear is real, because there is every possibility that the other may not like you. There is no necessity that he should like you. Why? Just because you like him there is no necessity that he should like you. And it is true, the vice versa also.

Somebody likes you; there is no necessity that you should like him. If sometimes fortunately it happens that two persons come in contact with each other and they both like each other, it is beautiful. But there is no necessity that it should be so. And out of one hundred, ninety-nine miss, because the world is vast and you don’t know who is going to fit with you. You must have a partner somewhere who will fit with you tremendously, who is simply waiting for you, but how to find him? Millions of people all around – how to find?

They have a very old legend in Sumatra that in the beginning God created man and woman together so that each was a couple; the bodies were joined. But then it became burdensome. The husband wanted to go to the north and the wife was not willing and so the bodies would have to be dragged together. Or the wife wanted to go to the south and the husband was not willing, so what to do?

It became such a great problem and there were so many complaints that God said, ‘Okay, I will divide you.’ So He divided the couples. But then they became lost... it is such a big world. The sumatran legend says that everybody has his partner or hers, somewhere, and that’s how people are seeking and searching for the original companion from whom they have been separated.

But all are not original companions. Only one somewhere. And nobody knows. It is a groping in the dark and of trial and error. If you sit still because of fear and you don’t go and search for him, then there is no possibility of finding him. And even if you search, there is no necessity that you will find him.

So this is the risk of love. The risk is beautiful.

But there is a person for you. He will be tremendously happy meeting you. But before you can knock on the right door, you will have to knock on many wrong doors. If you are afraid of knocking, afraid that somebody may not open the door, then you will never be able to find the right door. So take courage. It is worth it. Taking all risks is worth it because that is the only way to grow.

Knock on many doors. If the person there says, ‘I am waiting for somebody else,’ just thank him. Perfectly good. There’s nothing wrong in it. Why do we take it as a personal offence? I go to somebody and I like the person, but the person does not like me. Why should I take it as a personal offence? There is no problem in it. We simply do not fit – we are not made for each other.

And it is good that a person says so. If the person does not say so and just being polite says, ‘Yes, I love you very much,’ then your whole life will be wasted, because he will have only said it; he will never be able to love. So that will not be compassionate. It will be a great cruelty. It is compassion that he says, ‘Sorry, I don’t feel any love for you.’ He is a good man. At least he’s not deceptive. At least he will not waste your whole life or much of your time. He makes you free.

He says, ‘Knock somewhere else. Find somebody else. I am also looking but you are not the person for me. Something does not click in me that makes two persons fall in love.’ He may even say, ‘I like you but love is not arising.’ Nothing can be done about it. It cannot be forced. And it is good that he is true. You also be true.

Don’t hide – remain available. Not only that, go on positively searching. When you feel that somebody does not like you, nothing is wrong. What can he do? What can anybody do? He is helpless. This happens so many times in the world – that another woman loves this man but he loves a woman who loves somebody else.

One woman was here who could not love a certain person, and that person was deep in love with her. Even the mention of that person’s name, and she would feel horrible. Then she fell in love with somebody else and that person was doing the same to her. Even the name of that woman and the man would recoil back.

Now if it happens that way, one is helpless. So one understands the helplessness, the absurdity of the whole effort. One moves, finds someone else. Life is big and God has taken so many forms. Why stick to one? If that is not the form for you, and he is not feeling for you, move somewhere else. God is waiting for you in some other form.

And don’t think that it is something personal. I can’t see that it is. You are a beautiful person, so there is no problem in it. From the very beginning, don’t be afraid. Be bold, because bold initiative is needed. These are the subtle nuances. If you are afraid and hesitating, the other feels that maybe you don’t love him. You are hesitating just to see whether he loves you or not, but your hesitation will be conveyed to him and he will think that love has not happened.

Because when love happens, there is no hesitation at all. One falls into it headlong like a fool. Love is not calculating or cunning. Love is very naive. It has a naivete, a simplicity of God.

So if you hesitate – and you may be hesitating only because you don’t know yet whether the ground is sureYou don’t know whether this man will like you or not so you move cautiously. Because of your

caution he becomes afraid. You are so cautiouslove cannot exist there. So he becomes cautious.

Seeing that he is moving very cautiously, not going in headlong, you become even more afraid, so your fear feeds his fear and his fear feeds yours. And something which could have happened, never happens.

Much trouble and turmoil can be avoided if people are sincere and simply go to the person, take him to a comer and say, ‘Wait. I have fallen in love with you. What do you think?’ And give him time. Say, ‘Think and then tell me.’ Say, ‘Be sincere. I’m feeling tremendous love for you, but there is no necessity for you to feel any love for me. This is my problem. But I must say so to you because you are also involved in it, so you have to think about it and decide.’

But people go on playing games. Those games are just security measures. You invite the person to a party and he invites you to the movies By and by, very slowly, he will touch your hand and wait to see whether you are going to reject him or not. And you are doing the same. In this way much politics goes on because everybody is afraid and defensive. He will touch your hand for the first time as if by mistake so he can say ‘Sorry’, if he sees that you are becoming angry. If you don’t get angry, he can hold your hand.

You will be rejected many times. I cannot guarantee you that you won’t be. Everybody has to go through that, but it is worth it. If you are rejected ninety-nine times and accepted one time, it was worth it.

[She answers: At the moment I’m not in love with anybody else except you, so I have to knock at your door – and that’s very difficult.]

[chuckling] But my door is open and there is no need to knock ! I have accepted you so there is no need to ask.

Find some door that is closed and knock there.

... Right now you need a closed door. My love won’t be of much help. My love will be too cool. It is already there so there is no need to seek it. I am giving it, sharing it, without even anybody’s asking for it. I go on giving to strangers. So about that there is no problem.

You will need somebody like you. This may again be a trick to avoid. One can fall in love with me and that can become an avoidance. Then you don’t want to encounter a human being real, like you. I am almost unreal. You are falling in love with a ghost. You will need a man of blood and bone.

... You will just have to gather courage and start. Once you start moving you will find many more people. If you stand there closed, people will avoid you, because who wants a closed person?

Become flowing.and don’t look serious. Laugh, mix and mingle with people, and within a week

you will find somebody.

[A sannyasin who is in love with an ashram rolfer says she is always jealous in case his patients fall in love with him.]

No, you are simply foolish – because people like Rolfers become finished with women. Ask any gynaecologist. Continuously working with naked women, massaging them, one is finished with them. All romance is gone. He will never be able to love any woman – not even you. Don’t be worried! He will be finished with women as such.

When you come in contact with so many bodies, bodies become ordinary. You don’t have that poetic and romantic fascination towards bodies. If people live naked, much romance will disappear because romance depends on clothes.

Don’t be worried... you have found the right job for him. He will become a brahmacharya, a celibate. So just wait and don’t create any trouble. Your nagging or trouble-creating may drive him towards some woman, that’s possible. Many women go on driving their lovers towards others because who wants nagging and constantly quarrelling and jealousy and this and that? People love each other to be happy, not to be unhappy. They can be unhappy on their own. What is the need for another? They can live in their hell themselves; your help is not needed.

He loves you to be happy with you. You love him to be happy with him. But once people take it for granted that the other belongs to them, they forget completely. They start creating misery and hell and everything and they destroy the whole thing. Then if he starts searching – because I don’t think that he is yet enlightened, so he will start searching for some girl because he will need some happiness somewhere – then your fears will be fulfilled. You will say, ‘Yes, so I was right,’ but you are forcing it in fact.

This is how there are self-fulfilling predictions. A woman becomes jealous and starts creating defences and starts controlling the husband or the lover. Because of this, the man feels that the whole beauty is gone, the whole happiness is gone, so he starts seeking some oasis somewhere. You become a desert. Whenever he comes home there is misery, so he wants a few moments somewhere of an oasis. There is nothing unnatural in it. You are driving him to it. And when you find out, you say, ‘Yes, I was right.’ This is how your prediction fulfills itself. And when you feel that you are perfectly right, you have found proofs, then you create more hell, so you drive him out completely.

If you love a person, don’t create hell for him, because that is not the purpose of being together. If you feel that hell cannot be avoided, separate, because we are not here to create hell for each other. If you cannot trust him, separate, because without trust what is the point of continuing? If you trust him then forget all about it.

Even if he meddles sometimes here and there a little, it is nothing to worry about. That is not destructive to the relationship. It is human. Sometimes he laughs with some woman, talks with some woman. Nothing to worry about. That simply shows that he is still interested in women. Hence he will remain interested in you.

But this is how it happens: women either create so much trouble that the man is driven to some other woman, or if the man is a very understanding type, and a little alert, he is finished with women. Then he is finished with you too. Both ways, you lose. You follow me?

If you create such a situation that he cannot take an interest in any other woman, anywhere, then who are you? You are a woman. If he drops all his interest in all women, he will drop his interest in

you also because he was interested in you as a woman. Now you have destroyed that interest, so he will not be interested in you either. Then you are unhappy. So either you drive him towards some other women and you are unhappy, or you destroy all his interest in women, and of course you are included in it.

The real understanding is this – that we are together to be happy. Why waste time in quarrelling? So completely drop that. And when I say completely drop it, I mean never raise it again. Even if the idea comes to you, you should immediately drop it. It is worthless. If he goes, he goes. Who can prevent anyone from going anywhere? And if he does not go, he doesn’t, so why be worried? Just remain happy.

If you are happy and you make him happy, that will keep him with you. It is not that you keep him with you. It is happiness that keeps him with you. So the whole thing to be remembered is to make more happiness, so that when he comes home he feels like running towards you. He waits the whole day working hard and remembers many times, ‘Prem will be waiting for me and I should finish my work and go.’

If you cannot do that, then it is better to separate. Don’t create any misery, mm? Good.

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