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CHAPTER 8
Meditation is learning to wait
8 January 1977 pm in Chuang Tzu Auditorium
Deva means divine, and sarjan means creativity; divine creativity. And my attitude towards god is that he is not a creator but just pure creativity... just the energy, not a person. Personality is a human imposition on god – good for us because it is difficult for us to comprehend god as just pure energy. When we think about god as a person, it becomes easier for us to pray. So good – but it is just a device to help human beings; it is not the truth.
God is not a person. Mm? this whole creativity, this total creativity that goes on and on – in the rivers, in the oceans, in the trees, in the stars – words coming to existence and disappearing... this total phenomenon is god.
Once you start thinking in terms of creativity rather than a creator, your whole perspective changes. Then you are neither a theist nor an atheist, because the whole problem between the theist and the atheist is the person. Even the atheist is not denying that there is energy. He is not denying that flowers flower, that the sun moves. He is not denying the movement – he denies the mover.
Once god is conceived of as creativity all dualism between the theist and the atheist simply drops. Then the theist and the atheist can meet together, be together.
When the person disappears, prayer disappears. When god is creativity, you can meditate, but you cannot pray. Prayer is possible between two persons – an I-thou relationship – but when god is just a creativity, the only possibility to relate is to be meditative. In meditation you will also become creative. And to be creative is to be in step with god.
So whenever you create something, you are doing something religious – never otherwise. In the ritual there is no religion. In the formal there is no religion. In the real creativity, religion descends. You paint a picture or you compose a poem or you play on the guitar or you dance, or whatsoever. You cook food for your beloved, and you pour all your creativity into it – that is the real prayer.
Whenever you beautify the world – by whatsoever act it is done – you are in prayer. To be beautiful and to have more beauty enter into this ugly world, is the whole meaning of being religious.
Prabhu means god, and visarjan means dissolved into – dissolved into god. And in giving you this name, I am giving you your technique too. Whenever you are sitting silently, not doing anything, just feel that you are dissolving, melting... disappearing into the total. Lose your boundaries... Lose the consciousness of your boundaries. Don’t think that you end with your skin. Expand yourself.
Sometimes sitting in the room, feel lost – just as a drop falls into the ocean and disappears. The more you think in terms of being dissolved, the more and more aware, peaceful, centred, you will become. And it will come easily – it will not be a difficult thing.
Lying down in the bed, just before going to sleep, feel yourself dissolving. And fall asleep while you are dissolving, mm? Then the flavour will hover around you the whole night. You will have a deeper sleep; a deeper tranquility will arise out of it. And in the morning you will feel you have been somewhere in a totally silent space.
So whenever you can find any opportunity, transform it into your meditation. Mm? sitting in the sun, feel you are dissolving in the sun-rays. Holding the hand of a friend, feel you are dissolving into the friend. Making love, feel you are dissolving into love.
As many times in the day as possible, remember to dissolve. By and by your boundaries will become blurred. By and by you will start feeling not limited to the body, not caged, imprisoned in the body – overflowing. And when you are overflowing, god overflows in you.
Do a few groups here. Start doing sufi dancing and in the night the music group. Mm? because that will give you more and more possibility to dissolve. Music, dance, singing, will be helpful. So whenever there is an opportunity to dance and sing, use it.
Anand means bliss, nutan means absolutely new – absolutely new bliss. And bliss is something absolutely new. It is eternal, yet absolutely new. It is always fresh – it never becomes old. That’s its intrinsic quality.
With the mind everything becomes old, dirty, rotten. With the mind everything becomes a memory.
Bliss is something beyond the mind. It is not part of time. And when you stop time, you enter bliss – never before it. There comes a moment of silence when time simply stops... nothing moves... the clock does not function. When thoughts stop, time stops, because the functioning of thoughts is time, the root of time.
When you don’t have any thought there is no movement in your being – everything is standing still. In that moment of standing still, bliss arises. And it is always fresh. Again and again it will come but
it is never a repetition. It is never the same, because bliss cannot be accumulated and you cannot compare it with the past. It comes and goes like lightning. It comes without informing you... it goes without informing you. You cannot be the manipulator of it. It comes when it comes; there is no way to bring it.
The moment you try to bring it, you are in the mind again – the mind is the manipulator. When you are not trying to bring it, suddenly it comes. It comes all of a sudden... just surrounds you. It is a magic moment which cannot be produced by order... it is a gift. But when it comes it bathes you into a totally new being. And when it is gone it does not leave a trace, so you can never compare – when it comes again, you cannot compare with the past.
It never creates a past – that’s the beauty of it. It remains unrecorded. So when it comes again, again it is new... again you are thrilled. One can never be bored with it. How can you be bored with something which never becomes old?
Happiness one day or other starts becoming boring. In the beginning it looks fantastic, but by and by you start repeating the same again and again. You are in love with a man; then after a few days it is repetitious. Then you start getting fed up, stale, dirt accumulates. You start feeling cheated... you start feeling in a bondage. By and by you see that the glamour, that magic, is gone – only a rut, and a repetition.
All happiness sooner or later creates unhappiness. So bliss is not happiness. Happiness is of the mind – bliss is of the beyond. It simply comes and takes possession of you, shakes you to the very roots... makes you dance a very mad dance, and then it is gone. Suddenly you are there, and not even a trace is left.
You cannot desire it again. If you desire it, it will never come. One has to wait for it. It comes when it comes. And one has to learn patience and waiting.
That’s all meditation is about: to learn to wait, to learn to be open, to learn to be patient, to learn to be trusting so that when it comes, your doors are open. When it doesn’t come – nothing to worry; one can wait. And it always comes when you are really waiting and not demanding. The moment demand comes, the doors are closed.
So remember this quality of bliss. It will be coming... it is very close by. It is just within your reach – you just have to learn to be patient.…
[A sannyas couple who have been together two years ask about their relationship, because the man wishes to live alone.]
If he wants to be alone, then let him be alone, mm? That’s part of love. And there is no way to force anything. Things will become more ugly by forcing. If he wants to be alone, then simply that is the thing to be allowed. So don’t fight for it. Happily.…
You will be sad because you want to be with him and he wants to be alone. You are helpless – recognise the helplessness and don’t fight it. Just let him be alone. And if you can allow him, with deep love, he may start thinking.… Because I don’t see that he can be alone for long. I cannot see that – he is not that type. He will need a woman.
And if you fight.That will be natural to you to fight because you want to be with him – so I can
understand the problem. For him it is not a problem – he simply wants to get out of it. For you it is a problem because you don’t want to get out of it. The problem is one-sided.
If you fight – which would be natural – and you cry and you weep, and you try to manipulate him in subtle ways, that will be putting him off forever. That will make the gap bigger, and it will become unbridgeable.
.… Because I understand him. If he wants to be alone, then that has to be done – leave him alone. And if you are sad, that is your problem. If you want to cry and weep, you can cry and weep alone, but don’t say anything to him and don’t even exhibit it to him. That is none of his business. If some day somebody wants to be alone, then he has to be alone. A natural desire has come to him – let him be. And if from fourteen years he has not been alone, it is very natural – the desire will come.
I feel that if you can allow him in deep love and gratitude and you can be thankful for whatsoever he has doneAnd we are not here to fulfill each other’s desires. We are not here to fulfill each other’s
expectations. He was with you because he was happy. Now he feels he wants to be alone and try it. Let it be – that’s his happiness.
So bless him. Say good-bye to him with happiness, with love, so that you don’t make the gap bigger. And he will need you! If you can lovingly leave him, he will be coming back – and that will be a deeper experience for you both.
My feeling is that people like [your boyfriend] cannot live alone and cannot live with women.
There is an old sanskrit legend to the effect that, after making man, the creator took the rotundity of the moon, the curves of the creeper, the lightness of leaves, the weeping of the clouds, the cruelty of the tiger, the soft glow of fire, the coldness of the snows, and the chattering of the jays, and made woman, and presented her to man.
After three days the man came and said to the almighty,‘This woman you have given me chatters constantly, never leaves me alone, requires much attention, takes all my time, cries about nothing and is always idle. I want you to take her back.’
So the Almighty took her back. But pretty soon the man came again and said,‘She used to dance and sing, and she looked at me out of the corner of her eye, and she loved to play; she clung to me when she was afraid, her laughter was like music, and she was beautiful to look upon. Give her back to me again.’
So the Almighty gave her to him again. But three days later he brought her back again and asked the almighty to keep her.’No,’ said the Lord,‘you will not live with her, and you cannot live without her. You have got to get along the best you can.’
So just let him go... with love! He cannot live without. If he has not lived without since he was fourteen, let him try! He cannot live, mm? and he will get into much trouble. He needs a woman to protect him, otherwise he will be pulled by many women.
But right now if you force yourself on him he will think of you as a gaoler. And that’s what his feeling is: deep down he feels that you go on imprisoning him – you don’t allow him the freedom that he needs. You make him feel guilty, this and that – ‘Why were you laughing with that woman, why were you moving?’... and his work is such that he has to laugh and talk and move with women and all sorts of people. He has to mix, otherwise he cannot work – his work is such. But that is one part of the story.
When you are not there he will be simply amidst women, and they will all start pulling him from every side. Then he will remember [you] – that [you were] a protection... of course a gaoler, but a protection too.
So this comes to every couple one day or other – and he is an honest man, so he simply said it to you. There are dishonest people who will not say it – they will carry on.
So I know you will feel very sad – feel it! But don’t enforce anything on him. Let him go. [The man says he is going back to the West and the girlfriend will stay in Poona.]
That’s good. So make it in that way... make arrangements in that way. You go, mm? but remain true – if any moment you feel you need [her], just give her a telegram; she will wait.
And don’t be worried about it! This is natural... it comes. And it is good sometimes to be alone and to see how things happen. Life is really a great complexity. And the problem is such that it cannot be avoided. Because she loves you, she will feel miserable. When you first came she was saying that she was trying to make a home for [you], mm? and now her whole life will be shattered. She will be in very much difficulty to conceive of herself as alone. But maybe that too will bring her a maturity – may be good for her too.
If she had not loved you there would have been no problem, but she loves you, and because of the love she clings around you too much. That very clinging gives you the feeling that you are being suffocated, that you have to follow her desire, do this and that, and you would like to be alone.
Once you are alone you will have a different attitude to the whole thing.
So for the two, three days you are still here, think about it – and she is allowing you, with no conflict. I will take responsibility for her – she can be here; you just go, mm? If you change your mind or something arises you can come back and tell me. But don’t go in sadness. Go happily to experiment in something you want to experiment... and she will also be experimenting.
And every person has one day to settle with one’s loneliness, aloneness. Because that is so fundamental... we cannot avoid it for long. We have to come to a settlement – that we are alone.
Love can play many games, but one day or other all games are finished and everybody is thrown to one’s loneliness – the sooner the better! Because when the whole time has passed and then you are thrown alone, it becomes too difficult. She is young, you are young – it is good to see what it is to be alone. And maybe out of that aloneness you may come together again, and that will be a different kind of togetherness. That will not constrict each other... that will not be possessive.
So take it as a healthy experiment. But if in these three days you feel that something has changed in your mind, just say. Come and tell me, mm?
And don’t feel guilty, because what can you do? If suddenly you feel like being alone, then you have to do it – don’t feel guilty. Otherwise if you feel guilty you will be angry. That’s what I am pointing out to her – that she should not make you feel guilty.
What can you do? You are helpless. If the idea has arisen, it has arisen. Now something has to be done about it. If she is sad, it is her business to be sad; that is her problem. She was happy with you, she will be unhappy without you, so it is natural – but don’t feel guilty.
And there is a possibility of meeting again... because I have been watching you both. There are troubles with every couple. You cannot find a woman with whom there will be no troubles. No, it is impossible. Otherwise she will be a goddess – and then you will not be attracted to her. She won’t have any spice in her... she will be tasteless.
This is the problem: you are attracted to a woman who has some salt, some spice, but that spice then creates trouble. You are attracted to a woman who has some spirit, but then that spirit fights; that spirit wants to overwhelm you completely, to possess you totally. That spirit is jealous. But in the first place you become attracted to the spirit.
You can find a spiritless woman, a corpse, who will allow you absolute freedom and will never be jealous and will never be possessive, but then you will not be attracted to her – you will feel she has no spirit. You will feel that she does not love you – otherwise why is she not jealous?
These are the troubles. If a woman is jealous we feel,‘This is bad – my freedom is crushed.’ If she is not jealous then we feel,‘She is not jealous – what is the matter? Certainly she is not in love with me – otherwise how can it be that she is not jealous?’ And so is the case from the other side.
If the man is not possessive, dominating, the woman feels he does not love. If he is dominating, possessive, she feels her freedom is crushed. So this game is somehow of a double-bind. No couple can be really happy. Happy, unhappy – that will be the situation. Hate-love – that will be the relationship. Fighting, making love – that will be the situation.
It is impossible to think that you can find a woman with whom there will be no problem, or a man with whom there will be no problem. Problems come immediately the moment you relate... relate with anybody!
I was a professor in the university and just at the gate of the university a beggar used to sit. I used to give him four annas every day. Once it happened that for one month I was ill and I didn’t go to the university.
When I went back to the university, I gave him four annas. He said, ‘What! What about the thirty days? You owe me seven and a half rupees more!’
I liked the man! ‘True,’ I said,‘That’s true!’ – and I had to give him seven and a half rupees more. A relationship... I have not given anything to him – just four annas every day. Now it is taken for
granted.’Where have you been,’ he says,‘for one month?’ But I liked it – the beggar has some spice in him, to be so demanding. I loved it!
Relate with anybody and immediately there is some problem or other – bound to come. But if no problem comes, then too you will feel very empty.
I hope you will miss [your girlfriend] there... but you leave her. And for three days, let this be in the mind... mm? if something changes, good. If nothing changes, good. And I will take care of her, so don’t worry about her. Mm? she will be in better hands! You can go happily.
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