13 Love is a gift, not a guarantee

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‌CHAPTER 13

Love is a gift, not a guarantee

13 October 1977 pm in Chuang Tzu Auditorium

Deva bhagya: divine benediction.And that has to become your climate: you have to start living in

that milieu. Take everything as a blessing – it is! Small joys of life, if looked into deeply and rightly, turn into great ecstasies. And even great ecstasies, if not looked at rightly and welcomed, turn into trivia. It all depends on us, on how we receive. Even a beggar can become an emperor if received rightly. And even the emperor can prove just a beggar if unwelcomed, unreceived. So become a host to this benediction and remain a host for twenty-four hours.

You see a bird on the wing: it is a benediction, it is a blessing. Sometimes a bird on the wing is enough to last one for one’s whole life. To see that beautyA cloud floating in the sky: it is enough,

more than enough. If in your whole life it happens for only one moment – a cloud floating in the sky and you see the beauty of it, the immense splendour of it – then that is enough meaning, enough significance. One can live for it. And each moment is suffused with a thousand and one gifts, but we are dull, insensitive, unwelcoming. We have forgotten how to be a host: a host to joy, a host to blessings, a host to divine gifts. So let that become your basic note.…

[A sannyasin says: I find surrender difficult.]

It is difficult so don’t feel guilty; it is nothing personal. The very process of surrender is the most difficult process. It needs the greatest effort, and it will look paradoxical but it needs the greatest will in the world to surrender. Weaklings cannot surrender; only very very strong people can surrender. It demands strength, stamina. To surrender means to just drop your very basic instincts for survival. Surrender means you are leaving yourself unprotected, undefended, vulnerable.

Surrender is almost a miracle when it happens... and that’s why it brings such a great transformation. Because in ordinary life it never happens. People go on talking about it. Talking is one thing; doing is totally another. But whenever it happens – rare are the instances that it has happened – it is a magic. It simply transforms you in a single moment.

So it is difficult, it is arduous, it is an uphill task. It is like going to Everest bare-handed, with no support. But if the longing is there, the possibility is there. And I see that the longing is there... and a great longing. I hope your longing will become victorious over your lethargy.

It is going to happen. Just go on remembering it more and more. Don’t cooperate with its opposite. And whenever you find an opportunity to surrender, say yes and surrender. It comes slowly. Once you have started saying yes, once you have started enjoying the taste of yes – because that is the taste of tao – then you can go into it more and more. Then there is less and less fear and one day you can risk all... but it comes slowly and gradually. Even if only after a whole lifetime it can come, it is worth it; nothing is wasted.

I see that the desire is there, and the desire will grow. It is going to encompass you totally!

[A sannyasin couple have just returned from the West. The woman said that just before they left she fell in love with someone who also fell in love with her. She feels confused about it. The man said he went through many emotions, principally fear, but now he is here he feels all right.]

Good! Good! So you will be all right soon; just wait a little.

(to the woman) Man is helpless. There are moments when you cannot do anything; that simply shows helplessness. What can you do if sometimes you fall in love? It is nothing that you have done so don’t feel guilty.

You can close your heart, you can repress – nobody will ever know; even [he] will not know. But you will know, and that is the whole point. You will know that something has happened, that in that moment you were not with [him], that [he] has disappeared from your vision. In that moment you were with that man; in that moment that man was your world.

Nobody will ever know. You can repress it, you can drop it into your basement of consciousness. It can disappear even from your memory... but it has happened and it will have repercussions. That night you will not be so together with amitabh. He may make love to you but you will not feel there. You may hold his hand but your hand will be cold. You will be somewhere else: you will be following that man in your dreams, in your longings.

You cannot do anything about it so there is no point in feeling guilty. You can simply feel the helplessness. You can cry. You can see the whole helplessness of the human kind – not only yours, but everybody’s. You can understand many things in that moment. For example, if one day [he] falls in love with somebody you will have understanding; you will be able to accept it because what can he do? You will not quarrel about it, you will not nag him, because you know that that happens to you too, that happens to everybody. That will give you a great compassion and great understanding. So when such things happen use those opportunities to go deeply into the human mind, into its ways.

Man is unconscious so your love cannot be very conscious. Your love indicates your unconsciousness, your sleepy state. Only I can love you consciously. You cannot even love me consciously; with me too you have fallen in love. That too you cannot do anything about. But one day through understanding slowly slowly all these things, these complexities, one comes to a point where one becomes more and more aware. Then love is no more a fall – and when love is no more a fall it has a beauty of its own. Then it is a conscious flow. It is not falling in love: it is rising in love. Then love has wings! Otherwise it is just unconscious lust. It can overcloud you any moment because it is there. So rather than feeling guilty. . .because if you feel guilty you will repress it. The more you repress, the more you will feel for that man. First you will feel guilty about [the partner], and then later on you will start feeling guilty about him too. Then the guilt will be doubled; it can be multiplied very easily. First you will feel that you have done something wrong to amitabh. Then sooner or later you will start feeling, what about that man? – you are doing something wrong to him too. You will be tom apart.

[Your partner] used it rightly; he is not harmed by it. It hurts; it is natural. He is as unconscious as you are, so it hurts. One cannot believe that somebody whom one loves can love somebody else. It feels as if something is lacking in you. Why should [you] fall in love with somebody else ? Are you not enough? Something is missing; you are not giving enough love to her. Is she not fulfilled with you? All these ideas arise and they hurt!

(To the man) But in fact that is not the case... that is not the case, and that is one of the basic misunderstandings every human being carries in his mind. When your beloved falls in love with somebody, it does not necessarily show that your love is not enough. It may be just contrary – that she has enjoyed your love so much that now she has become more greedy about it. When it is so beautiful with one man, why can’t it be more beautiful with another?

It hurts when you see somebody who loves you and whom you love, falling in love with somebody else; you cannot believe it. But my experience is that if you have loved the person, the idea for variety is very natural in the mind. You have loved her and she has loved you.

(to the woman) He felt hurt but he is perfectly okay now. He looked into it; that fear is there. We live out of fear; that’s why we don’t really live. How can you live out of fear? Out of fear one simply pretends to live. Life happens only when there is fearlessness.

(to the man) You can only love [your partner] and [she] can only love you when there is no fear of losing each other. If it is going to happen, it is going to happen. If tomorrow you are going to separate, tomorrow you are going to separate. Only then can you love today. The more insecure tomorrow is, the deeper will be the possibility of love today, because one never knows: this may be the last day. If tomorrow is secure – and out of fear we make it secure: that she cannot leave you, that you cannot leave her, that you have made such arrangements that it is almost impossible to leave – then what is the hurry? Why love today? tomorrow or the day after tomorrow you can love – you can postpone. Out of fear we create security and out of security we start postponing as if there is no hurry, love can wait.

My approach is that life should remain insecure. That’s what she has shown to you: that she can go some day. And she has shown you one thing more – that you can also go away from her, any day. Everything is always possible; there is no way to make things secure. Then what to do?

There is no need to make them secure; let insecurity remain as it is. While you are together love each other as much as you can. Tomorrow is uncertain so don’t postpone it for tomorrow. Sufis say, ‘Live every day with two ideas in your mind: one, as if this is going to be the last day; and second, as if you are going to live one thousand years more.’ These two thoughts together, that creates a great balance. So no need to feel guilty. Drop it! Try to understand the whole thing: if it has to happen it has to happen.

But I don’t see that it has to happen. It may have been just a vagrant thought, because between you two so much love exists that it can only be a vagrant thought. A breeze came and you got into it. So don’t become worried about it. And rather than hiding it from amitabh open your heart to him and let him open his heart to you. Rather than fighting about it, help each other to understand human frailty. You will become stronger and you will come closer.

There is no need to be confused. Just first try to understand the whole thing that has happened; help each other to understand it. Then if it still remains, nothing to worry about! But don’t make it a burden on the head; don’t think that you have done something wrong. Once that idea is dropped things will be easier and confusion will disappear. And even if you feel, after three, four weeks that the mind is hankering, then invite the person. There will be one more sannyasin! Right ?

[A visitor says: I was just thirsty, and I came to you.]

Do a few groups. First do the camp and I will suggest a few groups. You are going to stay! The first group you do is centering and the second is tao. Do these two first and then we will see. You are going to be trapped!...

Yes! You yourself are asking for it! It is on the way! Think about sannyas. Mm? just think about it; it is coming. It will be of great help. First listen to me for a few days, meditate, and then do these groups. Any day that the idea starts coming with great intensity, come back. You are thirsty... and I have the water to quench it!

[A visitor says: I feel the conflict of surrendering to you and sannyas very strongly. I feel both sides very strongly.]

Mm mm! If the idea has arisen it is going to happen. Just wait a little; there is no hurry. Don’t force it, there is no hurry. Because it is coming on its own, so why force it?

Surrender is always difficult... but it is the only way to relax. In fact what you are surrendering is just your shadow. It is not your being that you surrender; the being cannot be surrendered. It is only the ego that is surrendered – and the ego is not you. So the ego creates all kinds of troubles. The ego will argue to try to convince you and say that this is wrong, you will be losing your independence, this and thatAnd you don’t have any independence, you don’t have any freedom!

You are surrendered to the ego. You are surrendered to the idea that you are somebody. Now only that idea – that you are somebody – has to be surrendered in sannyas. A sannyasin is a nobody. A sannyasin accepts that he is a nobody, that he is no more on any ego trip, that he has dropped out, that he is no more ambitious, that he wants to live a simple, ordinary lifethat he just wants to live.

Surrender to me is not really surrender to me. This is just an excuse. . .I am just an excuse to help your ego drop. It is not that you are surrendering to me. What will I do with so many egos? That will be unnecessary junk! Mm? you get rid of it and you throw it at mc and. . .what am I going to do with it? It is just an excuse. When you surrender I don’t gain anything, nothing comes to me. But because you can love me you can risk surrendering.

One day you will understand that you have not surrendered – it is just that the ego has disappeared in the name of surrender. And for the first time through surrender you become yourself. I am here to give you to yourself.

So sannyas is going to come. Just be here, float with my people, sing and dance, do a few groups.

[A sannyasin couple ask about their relationship. The woman says that sometimes she feels very negative and others very ecstatic. The man said he has invested much energy in staying together. In the Tantra group he completely disappeared, also someone else he loves is coming to Poona. He doesn’t know what to do.]

Don’t do anything! Mm? – just let go, and whatsoever happens is good. Stop controlling, managing, manipulating. Don’t try to manufacture your future: just live in the moment. Whatsoever comes, accept; if nothing comes it is perfectly good. When there is nobody to love, meditate, when there is somebody to love, forget meditation and love! That’s why I always give both the things to you – love and meditation – so at least one will always be there! Just relax, otherwise you will create much tension, unnecessary tension for yourself.

And you are changing. At this moment, creating any tension will stop your growth. Something is just on the verge of happening. Now, small things can distract your mind, your being, so be perfectly at ease. Don’t think of the morrow; today is enough. If she is there and she is loving, good. If she is angry and not loving, say good-bye and move.

Don’t live together. Be alone so you remain free. If another lover comes, perfectly good. And don’t hide from anybody. Simply say that you are relaxing – relaxing in everything. If three, four women surround you, it’s okay. You are not going to even choose and decide. Just relax! At this moment let-go will be of great help to you.

(to the woman) And for you: the love is there, as much in your heart as it is in his, but you have to learn one thing – that love need not become a clinging; it can remain a free gift. It is totally different world when love is a free gift. There is no need to make any contracts. If you are feeling loving and he is available, love him! Don’t miss your ecstasy: let it be there! When you are not feeling like loving, forget about him! Then don’t go on clinging because you love. Don’t torture him and don’t torture yourself.

And always remember: when you are loving, maybe in that moment he is not in a good mood of love; then forgive him. Don’t be angry because we cannot expect, and we cannot order love. Because of this idea – that when one is loving the other partner has to fulfill it – love has become false. If the other is not feeling like it in that moment, what is he supposed to do?

If he says no, you feel hurt. You are really in love in that moment and he will not like to hurt you. If he says yes, the yes is false, and that yes is not going to satisfy you. If he says no you will be unhappy;

if he says yes you will be unhappy... and these are the only two alternatives. Many people decide to be diplomatic; they say yes and they don’t mean it. When they say yes and they don’t mean it, you are not satisfied. You see the pseudoness of it; it is so clear.

Nobody can pretend love, and when I say nobody I mean nobody; nobody can pretend love. If it is there, it is there. It shines! It is so loud. It has a different vibe to it. When it is not there you can shout ‘I love you’ but your eyes don’t shine. You say one thing; your face says another. You pretend one thing and the whole body rejects it and negates it. That is not fulfilling. Remember there is no obligation on the other’s part to be loving when you are feeling loving. There is no natural mechanism to make it happen together. If sometimes it happens, beautiful; if it doesn’t happen, it can’t be helped.

So when you are feeling ecstatic and loving, just tell him that you are feeling ecstatic and loving. If he is also available in that moment, then you can meet and move into that space. If he is not available, forget about it; don’t feel anger. If he says that he is feeling love for somebody else in that moment, then don’t feel hurt. There is nothing to feel hurt about!

Then love becomes a play. We have made it too serious, mm? – that’s why it has become ugly. We have made it almost business-like, legal, a contract. Love is a play. Lovers again become children; that’s the joy of it. They forget their adultishness; they again become children. They start playing with each other’s bodies; they start enjoying small things which don’t mean much. That’s why lovers need privacy, otherwise others will think they are mad! What are you doing? – grown-up people holding each other’s hands and looking ecstatic?! And what can there be in the hands? – only perspiration! Hence privacy is needed, mm? because you are going back to your childhood days; you are becoming innocent. You are again becoming a child on the beach – running here and there, collecting seashells and coloured stones... running after butterflies, collecting wild flowers. Again you are back in that world of innocence.

It should be playful, and when it is playful there is no question of jealousy. He can play cards with you; why can’t he play cards with somebody else? There is no problem! He can play chess with you; he can play chess with somebody else. You don’t feel jealous. You don’t go to the court and say that he is playing chess with somebody else.

So love is nothing but playing with your body energy and somebody else’s energy. It is a sheer joy! Sometimes he is playing with you; sometimes he wants to play with somebody else. Perfectly good! He is not rejecting you. There is no rejection in it; don’t take it as a rejection. That is a misunderstanding. Then you feel angry; you want to take revenge, and then everything becomes ugly. The playfulness is lost; love has become serious. Then it is more war-like than lovelike. So when you are ecstatic, good! Go to him, find him, search for him.And there is no need to hanker

only for him. If you feel ecstatic with somebody else also there is no need to feel guilty.

I would like to create a commune of love where people are very very playful about love and there is no commitment as such. And, i’m not saying that you cannot remain with one person forever. You can, but there is no commitment as such. If it happens, if every day you feel ecstatic with him and he feels ecstatic with you, then it is perfectly good; let the game continue. It may continue for your whole life, it may go deeper and deeper – the more you come close the deeper it will go – but there is no commitment. If tomorrow morning he simply says good-bye to you, you will not feel hurt and

rejected. You will say, ‘Okay! I’m grateful for all the joys that you have given to me’... but there is no bitterness in it.

Both be playful. No clinging, no ideas of husband and wife and things like that. These are all neurotic ideas. They have driven the whole humanity mad. I want you to be very very un-neurotic. Just go into any family and wives and husbands are neurotic. It is so difficult to find a psychologically healthy family – almost impossible; it doesn’t exist. And all children are brought up by neurotiC couples so those children become neurotic from the very beginning.

My commune has to become absolutely un-neurotic about everything. Innocence should be the only law and playfulness should be the only attitude.

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