21

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‌CHAPTER 21

11 March 1976 pm in Chuang Tzu Auditorium

[A sannyasin said that during after the meditations she was shaking very much, and she felt really shattered.]

You must be trying to control it – that is wrong.

Fever can come because you create a contradiction in your being. The energy is arising, and you start controlling it. You are doing two opposite things together. You meditate and that creates energy – and then you want to control it. That friction between these two opposite directions can crete fever.

So drop controlling it... rather move with it. Enjoy it, delight in it... it is something beautiful. People hanker for it, but whenever it starts working they become scared.

[She said it was like taking acid... ]

It will look like that – because every meditation creates an inner LSD. It is alchemical.

... Right now you simply move with the energy. You are changing but you are not allowing the change to happen – so how can you see the change?

You are afraid... you are scared of the change. That’s why you feel... you feel shattered. You are going to be demolished completely – only then the new will arise; only on your death. You as you are will disappear. So you will have to pass through a very shattering experience.

That is the death, the cross, and then is the resurrection of the new being. The new being is completely discontinuous with you... you simply give space for it.

[She asks: Does it happen little by little then?]

No, it will happen in a sudden moment. But you will get ready for it by and by.

It can happen right now, but if you get scared you won’t allow it. Your permission is needed – only then it can happen. God never interferes – remember that. When you invite, He comes. When you dose the door, He waits outside. He will not even knock because that may be an interference, a trespass.

The energy is arising – cooperate with it. Feel happy and grateful and move with it... don’t go in the opposite direction. Be completely mad with it. Then suddenly... it is gone. And you will feel after it quiet, calm, collected.

[A sannyasin refers to Ma Vipassana who is dying in hospital: I didn’t know if it was really any better to die like that here, or as a housewife in England somewhere... But when something happens – a shock, a crisis – there’s just doubt and fear inside.]

Mm mm... the only problem is that you go on expecting too much from yourself. You have dropped other expectations... now there is this new expectation of being understanding.

Why can’t one simply be as one is? If you are not understanding, you are not understanding. Why this constant effort to make something, become something, be something, which you are not?

The only understanding there is, is this: that one accepts oneself as one is. What else can you do? This whole effort in the name of growth is nothing but an ego trip. You will get frustrated again and again. And in every crisis you will come to a point where you feel that nothing has happened. But why should anything happen in the first place?

The expectation that something has to happen is creating the whole trouble. Why should it happen? And what is the point of expecting it? You will go on trying to make it happen, planning how to – then you will be tense. And when it will not happen, you will create a false pretension that it has happened – because one cannot live in continuous misery. To hide that misery, one creates a mask of understanding. But again and again this mask is to be broken. Whenever a real problem arises, again you will see that you are standing naked, and the mask is not functioning.

So what I am insisting is – accept the situation you find that you are in. There is no way out of it. That’s what understanding is – accepting the way you are. Not that you grow. Suddenly you see that there is no need for anything. Then all these situations can be helpful... they bring you back down to reality. A crisis is a blessing; it brings you back to earth again and again. Otherwise you start moving in your fantasy.

So it is not a question of Vipassana – it has nothing to do with her; it is your problem. Why do you think that a housewife in England is in some way inferior to you, mm?’

[She answers:... everybody says how incredible and how beautiful Vipassana must be feeling. I can say that too – but I don’t know it.]

No, there is no need to say anything. If others are saying, maybe they are right – maybe they are feeling that way. But there is no need for you to feel that way too. You are not like them. And there

is no need for them to feel like you – so don’t think that they are pretending. They may be true. It is not a problem for them – it is a problem for you.

Just one thing has to be understood: that this is the way you are, and that you don’t understand. Accept this non-understanding. You are fighting with it – that’s why you feel depressed. [That you are] ignorant, non-understanding, stupid, idiotic – accept it! Why do you want to be a wise woman or something like that?

Then the problem disappears – because it is created by a deep non-acceptance. Somehow you go on rejecting yourself in subtle ways. If I tell you, then you drop one way, but you create the same problem in some other way. Someday you will see.… You were saying that you don’t like your body – somehow you dropped it. Now from another angle you say that you don’t like your non-understanding. But somehow you want to become something, somebody. And whenever you feel your nobodiness, you feel frustrated. A nobodiness is... natural.

It is not a question of what you say about Vipassana – that is not the point at all. Everything you say about everybody is basically about you... and every situation is your situation. Whether Vipassana is in a beautiful space or not is not a problem to you – you have nothing to do with that. And how can you decide whether she is in a beautiful space or not? Only one thing is certain – that whatsoever space you are in, you go on creating trouble for yourself. You don t accept it... you don’t allow it to be beautiful. Somehow you condemn it – a suicidal tendency.

So wherever you are, you are going to be yourself – whether a housewife in England or a sannyasin in Poona makes no difference. Wherever you are, you are going to be yourself. Places cannot make any difference – they are irrelevant factors.

My whole effort is, that wherever you are, if you accept yourself, you will be happy. If you reject yourself, then wherever you are you will be in misery... and misery is your creation.

So stop fighting with yourself. Just see that it is pointless. If you don’t understand, you don’t. What can be done? Accept it – and then the problem disappears.

That is the point where growth starts – through acceptance, not struggle. It is not an effort to become something. It is a relaxation into whatever you are. Then you will not feel depressed; you may feel helpless, but not depressed. And helplessness is a beautiful feeling, because all prayer arises out of helplessness.

Helplessness is a beautiful feeling, because it is a non-ego state. You will feel helpless... you cannot do anything. Somebody is dying, and you loved the person – and you cannot do anything. Tremendously helpless, impotent – yet this is beautiful. You understand that the whole ego is nonsense – it is of no use. You cannot make anything out of it... you cannot even help a person who is dying. So what else can you do?

It becomes a depression if you think in terms of ego. Then you would like to become strong, more understanding, more powerful, so that next time anybody is in trouble and you feel hurt, you can help him. That’s what you are doing. Then you feel depressed that you have not grown yet.

If you feel helpless, simply bow down in that deep helplessness. You sit by the side of Vipassana and pray that ‘I am helpless, and nothing can be done’. And in that helplessness, you will see not only yourself as helpless, but that the whole of humanity is helpless. In that helplessness you will see that all egos are false. Suddenly the ego becomes absolutely irrelevant. And in that humbleness, you disappear. Something else arises – a prayer. Nothing more can be done. Whenever somebody is in trouble, you pray – that’s all. But people like to do something rather than pray, because prayer means helplessness.

[She replies: I’ve always prayed... but now I don’t know who’s there to pray to.]

Again, mm? your prayer must be a trick to do something. You pray – for some end. You pray and you will see whether it is working or not. Then it is not prayer... it is again a method. If everything is failing, one prays to God, and thinks that now prayer should do something. And when too it does nothing, you become even more depressed. You don’t know who to pray to, and what to say, and what not to say. That is not the point.

Prayer is an end in itself. It is just a cry of humbleness, a deep cry of helplessness. Not that you pray to somebody – there may be nobody – but you simply feel helpless like a child. The child starts calling for the mummy or the dad. They may not be anywhere... they may not exist. But that is not the point. The child starts crying – and that crying is cleansing.

It is not that Vipassana is going to be helped. My whole point is totally different. You are going to be helped. And not as an end result of it, but just by praying you will feel cleansed. You will again feel settled, undisturbed. You will be able to accept more, you will become more open. Even death becomes okay.

People pray – that too is a technique for them; part of their egoistic effort. I’m not talking about that kind of prayer – but the prayer that arises out of a situation where you feel you cannot do anything. Not that something will happen out of it – but you will be transformed. You will not feel that something is lacking. You will feel a fulfillment. You will feel a certain new calmness that has never been there. And it always happens near death, because death is the most crucial moment.

Whenever you love somebody – a friend – and he is dying, a great opportunity opens for you... because this moment will throw you into complete helplessness. And if you can pray – I don’t mean that you verbalise, or say something – if you can simply cry in helplessness and tears come, you will be cleansed. It will be a purification. You will come out of it younger, fresher, new.

So don’t make it a depression, because that is not going to do anything. If you can enjoy it, you enjoy it, mm? and there is no problem. But if you are depressed, it will not be of any useIt is just

a sheer wastage. Death should not be wasted that way.

There will be so many sannyasins who will be going by and bythey have to go. (a gentle laugh)

So it is a training. Vipassana is a door – now other sannyasins will also follow. So this crisis will be coming again and again – because nobody is going to be here forever. So learn from it. It is a great discipline to watch death.

And she is really dying in a very very meaningful way, mm? She is dying the way I would like her to die. She is giving time to everybody to think; to go again and again, and find death is there. She will

be hanging between death and life and... you will all be hanging between death and life with her. She is really doing her very best. What more can she do for you? So use this opportunity.

And the day she dies – she will die some day – make it a celebration. First be purified by her death. In fact in her death, try to learn how to die. In her death let your death also happen. Make it an opportunity to move and see what death is... so you have some taste of it... some flavour of it. And when she dies, all the sannyasins should make it a celebration... dance, sing... be ecstatic.

Death should be welcomed... it is one of the greatest events in life. There are only three great events in life: birth, love, and death. So birth has already happened – cannot do anything about it. Love is very exceptional... happens to very few people, and you cannot know anything about it. Death happens to all, and you cannot avoid it, mm? – that is the only certainty. So accept it, rejoice in it, delight in it.

But before she dies, Vipassana is giving you an opportunity to be cleansed and pure and meditative. So when she leaves the body, you can all delight in that phenomenon, mm? I would like you all to go dancing around her body on the fire, mm? till she is reduced to ashes. Go on dancing ecstatically! You may never attain to that deep meditation again.

[The Enlightenment Intensive group are present. One group member says: I am understanding more and more things, but every time I understand something, it doesn’t do any good. I don’t understand what point understanding has.]

First thing to be understood is that understanding is not a static thing... it is a dynamic energy. People think in terms of understanding being a static thing – that once you have attained it, you have attained for always.

Understanding is not like that. It is a constantly flowing river. It is not that you attain it once and forever and then you are finished with it; then there is no need to worry about it, and whenever you want to use it you can, because it is always there. No. It has to be attained every moment again and again. It is just like breathing.

It is not that you have taken one breath, so now there is no need to breathe again. You have to breathe again and again every moment. It is a life-process – a process, not a thing. Understanding cannot be possessed. You have to create it every moment – it is a creative process.

So this happens in a group – you attain to some insight, and then you are very happy that you have understood, mm? Then you go into the market, and again you have lost it, again you are miserable. If you really want to be a man of understanding, you have to go on creating it continuously – otherwise it will be a dead thing.

[The sannyasin says: It seems like I keep getting the message, but I don’t see it clearly.]

That’s what understanding means – to see clearly, (a chuckle) whatsoever is the message. If you feel that you need not understand each moment – perfectly good. Who else should decide it?

Then this is your understanding – that sometimes you need it, and sometimes you don’t. It is your understanding that there are moments that it becomes heavy on you – then no need to be heavy; put it aside. There are moments when you want to be foolish – be foolish.

But what I am saying is that if you become foolish because of the understanding that wisdom becomes a burden for you, then you are following understanding. Understand me? Understanding continues. Now you are understandingly foolish, now you are understandingly on a holiday. Now you know that understanding becomes a tension, so you go into the marketplace and you get lost ut this is your understanding. Understanding is such a vast phenomenon that it can comprehend its opposite.

So there is no problem. But if you enjoy problems, you can create them. And I am not condemning it – that there is something wrong. I am the last person to condemn anything.

[The sannyasin says: I get the feeling that I use my understanding to hold on to things.]

It is not in fact understanding. What you are doing is, you are afraid of the unknown – so you want it to be made, reduced, known. If you encounter anything that you feel is unknown, you feel insecure with it, afraid, scared. You want to figure it out so that it becomes familiar. Once it is familiar and known, you are not worried – then you can tackle it. You want to categorise, label things... this is this and that is that, mm? Once you have labelled things you are at home. You feel now there is no danger, no stranger. You know everybody’s name, everybody’s religion, everybody’s country – finished! You have a complete file. But this file is not reality.

And if you know somebody’s name, that does not mean that you know him. If you know somebody’s religion and country, that does not mean that you know him. You may know that he is English, speaks English... is a doctor, or this and that – but this is not knowing him.

In fact this is trying to avoid the unknown in that person. You are creating a front from where you can relate. You don’t want to relate to a man who is unknown, so you call him a doctor or an engineer. Now it is manageable... you know what an engineer is. But a man... nobody knows what a man is. This is not understanding. In fact this is a trick of the fear.

Whenever he comes across a man who says that he is an Englishman, is a doctor, that his name is this and that, that he is a Christian or whatever, a man of understanding will put aside all these labels. Labels are useless. How can a man be labelled? And how can reality be confined to words? It is so vast... so immense.

So you put aside all the labels, and you look inside the man. You forget that he is English, you forget that he is German; you forget that he is a doctor or an engineer. You simply look into the reality of that which is there. You look into the fact... and that penetration into the fact is understanding. And that will never burden you – because to come to such a contact with a person is a non-ending contact. The person will always remain new.

Reality is so vast, so multifaceted, that the more you know, the more remains to be known. Understanding is non-ending. It is not knowledge. Knowledge is limited, of the mind. Understanding is of the heart. Then you feel the reality... you touch the reality. You forget all words about it, all theories. Then you are never burdened. You cannot say that now I have it in my hands like an alive thing, crystal-clear. No.

Lao Tzu says that ‘Everybody seems to be clear. Only I am muddle-headed’. A man of understanding is muddle-headed because he looks so deeply that he cannot figure out, mm?

People always manage to find out immediately who is who. Otherwise everybody is such a strange phenomenon – how can you figure it out?

So live according to your own feelings. And sometimes if you feel that understanding.I have not

known that understanding can become a burden – knowledge becomes a burden.so you must be

misunderstanding somewhere. But if this is your understanding I say perfectly good, mm? Follow your understanding.

[Another sannyasin says: I’ve a lot to say but it’s all stuff that I’ve said before. And when I say it, nothing seems to happen to it.]

This time keep quiet, and let us see if something happens! Who knows – maybe it will happen.

That’s good... that’s understanding, mm? If you can see that you go on repeating your questions, the same questionsEven if you can understand this – that you go on repeating your habits and

the same questions – then something is on the way. Something is happeningyou are no more the

same.

Through intellect, nothing ever happens. But once you understand this, then by and by you shift from intellect and intellectual questions, and this and that, and you start. Living a more ordinary reality. Things start happening – they are always happening there.

It is the head which goes on functioning as a buffer. It doesn’t allow you to come in contact with reality. Everything is happening, but hidden behind your head, cushioned, comfortable, it seems nothing has happened.

Good! This time be quiet, mm?

[A sannyasin said that much energy was arising through the groups and the meditations, and that his skin had begun to erupt.]

It is nothing to worry about. When the mind starts throwing something out, particularly negative emotions, the body also correspondingly releases its negativities – because body and mind exist parallel, exactly parallel.

If you are suppressing anger, the body is also suppressing some energy parallel to it. So every emotion has some counterpart in the body. So when mind catharsis goes through the process, the body will also go through catharsis, and it will release many things, and something painful also. But it is good.

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